simply hilarious

Home is the place where you can scratch any place you itch.
Don’t be so humble. You are not that great!
Don’t pay any attention to the critics. Don’t even ignore them.
Night watchmen in horror movies have a life expectancy of about 12 seconds.
These are the good old days. Just you wait and see!
When I hear someone sigh and say, “life is hard”, I say, “compared to what?!”
Etiquette is knowing how to yawn with your mouth closed.
You have to admire her. She hides her lack of talent so well.
I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.
I am absolutely certain that there is no life on Mars. It’s not listed on my daughter’s phone bill!

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you have seen it?
When I dance, people think I am looking for my keys.